


Lifeline

by dessertmeltdown



Category: Firefly
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-21
Updated: 2012-01-21
Packaged: 2017-10-29 21:23:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/324309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dessertmeltdown/pseuds/dessertmeltdown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inara comes back to Serenity, and Simon isn't sure where he stands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lifeline

Inara came back to Serenity six months from the day she left, and Simon couldn’t help but feel just a little bit threatened. He wasn’t unaware of the circumstances that surrounded her leaving in the first place. It wasn’t something that Mal had ever spoken with him about, but he knew. Everyone on Serenity knew. It was just impossible to ignore the tension between Mal and Inara.

It didn’t make him feel any better that Mal had been sulking around the ship more than usual. He and Simon didn’t have the most vocal of relationships, but ever since Inara waved to say she was ready to come home, an invitation Mal had extended the day she left, he’d been quieter than usual.

“Mal loves you, Simon. Just cause Inara’s back ain’t gonna change that.”

Simon knew Kaylee meant well. And it wasn’t so much that he didn’t believe Mal loved him, the question was, did he love Inara more?

\-----

Mal had locked himself down in his bunk and told Zoe to keep everyone out. He was almost hoping she wouldn’t obey him if Simon came to see him, but he knew that she would.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want Inara back on the ship. He had meant it when he told her that Serenity was her home and she was always welcome there. But so much had changed in the six months since she’d left, and now that she was back, he wasn’t sure what it all meant.

He didn’t want things to go back to the way they were, but he also knew what happened when he was around Inara, and he didn’t want to ruin what he had with Simon.

Inara did seem to fog everything up though, and he wasn’t quite sure what her return would mean for their relationship.

Avoidance just seemed like the easiest way to deal with it.

\-----

Inara was starting to wonder what made her come back here. It wasn’t that she didn’t love Serenity. She did. But it was clear from the moment she came aboard that it wasn’t the same ship she left.

And it wasn’t that she was expecting anything to happen with Mal when she got on board. It was the furthest thing from her mind. But hearing from Kaylee that he’d moved on, and with Simon no less, was the last thing she’d expected to hear.

She’d always thought that her feelings for Mal were reciprocated. That was the main reason she’d left in the first place, but she wasn’t so sure now that Mal had so easily moved on. And from the way Kaylee talks they’re very happy together.

She really hopes they are.

\-----

“You should talk to him, Simon. It don’t seem right, you two avoidin’ each other. Not since you been so attached the last few months.”

“He doesn’t want to see anyone. He gave Zoe orders to keep everyone out.”

“I’m sure he don’t mean you.”

Kaylee had been in Simon’s room more these last few days than she had been since he came on board Serenity. There were times when Simon wasn’t sure when Kaylee and he would ever be able to be friends. She was so hurt when she found about his relationship with Mal, and it had been near a month before they’d spoken. again

But now she was always there, every time Simon and Mal were avoiding each other or fighting, which wasn’t incredibly uncommon, Kaylee was there, smiling and telling him it was going to be alright. Usually he was more convinced, but he had convinced himself that Mal was just buying time before he came to tell him that it was over.

“If he didn’t mean me, he would have said that.”

Kaylee let out a deep sigh of frustration. If she didn’t love Simon and Mal so much, she would just leave them be. They could be so annoying, always fighting and doubting each other. But when they weren’t fighting they made each other more happy than she’d ever seen either of them, and that was enough to keep her meddling and fixing them. It was almost like working on Serenity. Things got broke, and she fixed ‘em up nice and quick.

But every once in a while she wondered if broken things couldn’t always be fixed.

She really hoped that wasn’t the case here.

\-----

It was too much. Mal had been avoiding everyone for days, and he was hoping Simon would be his usual stubborn self and come barging in uninvited any minute now, but evidentially Zoe was doing her job. Usually Mal was grateful to have her as his first mate, but at that moment, he was starting to hope she was just the tiniest bit incompetent.

He realized he would have to go to Simon, since Simon wasn’t coming to him. He didn’t want to. He was a stubborn man, and he wouldn’t deny it, but he had no reason to avoid Simon. It wasn’t Simon he _wanted_ to avoid. It was everyone else.

He would just have to risk it.

He left his bunk and started for Simon’s room, but something made him take a detour. He went to Inara’s shuttle instead. He hoped she didn’t think anything was changing, because he wasn’t going to knock or be overly polite just because she was finally home.

“Well, it’s good to know that some things never change,” Inara said dryly when Mal was in the shuttle.

“You expect ‘em to?”

She didn’t say anything, and Mal felt exactly how awkward the situation was.

“I suppose it was too much to ask.”

She was trying. He knew she was trying to regain some sense of normalcy between them, but it just wasn’t there anymore. Any feelings he might have had for her, and wasn’t admitting to anything, were gone now, and for some reason, that made it even more uncomfortable to be standing in her shuttle, ready to trade insults, than he had ever felt before.

“You settlin’ in okay?”

He couldn’t just stand there, in awkward silence, so he opted for a general question that he knew would get an equally generally answer. It also gave him a good excuse to be there, when he wasn’t at all sure why he had gone there before going to see Simon.

“I’m settling fine.”

It was a simple answer, and it sounded truthful, even if it was laced with that awkward that seemed to be filling the room by the second.

“Good. Just thought I’d come check.”

He nodded and was out of the room before she could say anything else because he was starting to feel like he was suffocating. It was just too much.

He had always felt like there was a certain amount of tension between them. That was what happened when you had two people who were completely unable to admit to any sort of emotion between the two of them, but this was different, and he didn’t know if it actually worse or because he was just noticing it more because he didn’t have feelings for her anymore.

\-----

“Zoe says the captain was on his way out. Said he was comin’ to see you. He been by yet?”

“Do you see him here?” Simon didn’t mean to sound so sarcastic, but he was on edge lately. He hoped Kaylee would understand.

She seemed to because she didn’t look offended or hurt.

“I’m sure he’ll be by.”

“Or maybe there was someone he wanted to see more.”

“Don’t be sayin’ that, Simon. Ain’t nothin’ gonna happen between them. You’ll see,” Kaylee smiled at him reassuringly, and it almost did make him feel better.

She turned and looked out of the room and then turned back to look at him with a bit of a twinkle in her eye.

“Well, I best be gettin’ back to work. Things to do and all. It’ll be okay, Simon.”

He wasn’t convinced. He knew he wouldn’t be until he’d really spoken to Mal and gotten everything worked out between them. If they worked everything out.

Truth be told, even if they didn’t, even if Simon found out Mal was over him now that Inara was back, he was sure it would feel better than this.

And then Mal came into the room, no knocking, not that Mal ever did. Not that Simon ever expected him to.

“You busy?”

“Do I look busy?” Simon snapped much more than necessary, but he felt like if Mal had taken this long to come to see him, he probably expected it anyway.

“Fine,” he paused, “can I come in?”

“You’re already in, aren’t you?”

“Simon,” Mal spoke his name quietly.

It was impossible to be mad when he said his name like that. He dropped the look of anger he had on his face, into a frown and sighed a little bit.

“What?”

“I gotta have a reason to come see you now?”

“You do when I haven’t seen you in three days because you’ve been locked in your bunk and wouldn’t let anyone see you.”

“I didn’t mean you,” he mumbled.

“Yeah, well, Zoe thought you did.”

“Next time I’ll be more clear.”

Neither said anything, and Mal was standing across the room. Simon was used to fighting with Mal, but this was different. Their fights usually weren’t long, drawn out, or at all silent. They were loud, and they got it out, and some times they didn’t speak for a couple of hours, but it was never like this. Simon wasn’t even sure this could be considered a fight.

“What do you want, Mal?”

He looked at Mal, and he wondered if the other man had slept at all in the last three days. He looked tired.

“I don’t know.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because,” he paused, “I wanted to see you.”

“Mal,” he sighed, “come here.”

Mal walked over to the bed, where Simon was sitting, a little slower than he might usually and sat on the edge. He didn’t face Simon. He wasn’t sure what Simon was going to say, and it was just easier not to look at him. Simon shifted on the bed so he was sitting directly behind Mal and wrapped his arms around Mal’s shoulders from behind. He didn’t know what to say.

He didn’t even know if Mal was here to tell him it was over or not, but he had to touch Mal, and he was willing to risk it right now.

“Simon,” Simon wasn’t sure if it was a warning or not. It was so quiet, almost a whisper, that he couldn’t find a tone. He wasn’t sure what he thought about that. It could mean anything.

He moved his arms and moved to sit next to Mal. He wasn’t sure how much he could get away with from the way Mal was acting, but he couldn’t help but place one of his hands on top of the other man’s.

“Say whatever you came to say.”

“I don’t know what I came to say, Simon. You know I ain’t the best in the ‘verse with words, and that ain’t changed in the last three days,” he paused briefly and dropped his voice, “I just wanted to see you.”

“Have you talked to Inara?”

“I don’t want to talk about Inara.”

“Well, you might have to, Mal.”

He really didn’t want to be angry, but Mal’s the most stubborn man in the universe, and it’s the most frustrating thing about him.

“Why?”

“Because,” and Simon didn’t have anything to follow that with.

It got quiet and neither said anything for a long while. Neither knew what to say. It wasn’t so much awkward silence as it was just silence.

“Do you love her?”

Simon said the words so quietly that he wasn’t even sure if Mal would be able to make out what he was saying, but he knew quickly that Mal had. He was looking at Simon wide-eyed, completely caught off guard by the question.

“Simon.”

“It’s a fair question, Mal. You haven’t been out of your bunk since she got here, and I wasn’t completely oblivious to the fact that you had feelings for her before she left in the first place.”

“We’re together, Simon. I’m not with Inara. I never will be.”

“That’s not what I asked, Mal.”

“No. No, I don’t love her. I love _you_.”

“Would you love me if she’d never left in the first place?”

“Simon, why are we talking about this?”

“I just want to know where I stand, Mal. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to know where I stand with you.”

“You know I can’t answer that, Simon, and I ain’t gonna pretend I can and lie to you.”

That should have been enough. Simon knew that should have been enough. Mal was here, telling him that even though Inara was back they were together, and that’s what should have mattered. But he’s not always sure where he stands with Mal on a normal day, and this was certainly not a normal situation.

“If that ain’t enough, tell me now, Simon, and I’ll leave. Because I can’t give you more than that, and I’m not going to lie and tell you want you wanna hear.”

“It should be,” Simon paused and sighed, “I’m sorry, Mal. It’s just frustrating, always trying to figure out where I stand. Especially now.”

Mal ran a hand through his hair and didn’t say anything. Simon knew he might have been pushing too far, but they were being honest, and he wanted to just get everything out.

And then Mal was kissing him.

And that made it really easy to forget how frustrated was and remember that he loved Mal, and that’s what mattered.

“That’s where you stand, Simon.”

And Simon couldn’t argue with that. Couldn’t question it because when Mal kissed him, he just knew that Mal was doing whatever he could to make Simon see, and Simon just wasn’t paying attention.

“I ain’t gonna lie to you, though, and that ain’t gonna change. This is how it is. I love you now, Simon. Whatever I felt for Inara then, I don’t anymore. I don’t want you to be constantly doubting us because you think I might love her because I don’t. Now, are we gonna have a problem?”

Simon couldn’t help but smile, just a little bit. Mal wasn’t always the best with words, but he seemed to always know what to say when it meant the most.

“No. We’re not going to have a problem.”

“Good, cause I’m tired of talking. Think we could get to the makin’ up part now?”

“We were never really fighting, Mal.”

“So?”

Simon laughed and pulled Mal in for another kiss.

He knew a week from now there would be something else. Some other pointless argument or something like it, but they’d get through that too because they always did.

Sometimes he wondered when he was going to learn that.


End file.
